As avoidable as the unknown, expertly spun webs drape above and in front of me narrowing my passage. As the inhabitants slowly appear I acknowledge their presence as their mute colors change from a 50’s gray and white to a twenty first-century technicolor truth, boasting the most vivid hues of yellow and black I’ve ever seen. They appear to be almost glowing as they become three-dimensional. I don’t want the eight-legged creatures or their webs to touch me. Fearful, I stand perfectly still as I patiently watch the pair of tarantulas crawl away, providing space for me to maneuver through the thick, heavy web. Finally they are at a safe distance for me to make my escape and I carefully, quietly make my way through the openings available. When I have cleared the last of the sticky curtain, I quickly make my way to the mirror, checking my arms, back and hair for webs and smaller spiders. I feel as if they are crawling all over me. As I gaze, the image mirrored back shows my long, dark, wavy hair is free of spiders and webs but I have no face.
When I wake up, I instantly remember my dream and I begin to jot down as much detail as I can recall including the overall feeling of the dream. I am very interested in dream analysis and I believe as Carl Jung did that our dreams are our unconscious mind sending messages about our waking life. I want to dive into this one and investigate the important hidden meanings. This is my first experience to dream in color, adding a new twist to explore. My research uncovered the following: To start a dream in black and white and change to color means that I am looking at the situation from an objective stand point. The tarantulas symbolize a dark sinister woman in my life, in this case a pair of women. The bright yellow represents awareness. Black represents passion and intensity. The fear present in my dream is my experience of anxiety in certain aspects of my life. The web symbolizes the social network of acquaintances and a desire to control or it means that I am holding back from fully expressing myself. The heaviness of the web was palatable in my dream and the fear of not wanting it to touch me or be on me made me curious. This symbolizes burdens, carrying too much responsibility and a need to prioritize. The distance between the creatures and me represents an odd person out or something I failed to achieve. The mirror symbolizes truth. I didn’t see my face in the dream and this signifies the search for my own identity and also expressing a desire to know and understand people on a deeper level. My dark, long wavy hair indicates that I am carefully weighing a decision, concentrating on a plan or situation.
All of the detail and symbolism made perfect sense to me. At the time of this dream, my relationship between two women had changed, or perhaps a much more perfect description would be that I was presented with a very loud reminder of their true characters. This is something I’ve wrestled with quietly for a while now. Years prior, I made a decision to allow. Slowly, allow an atmosphere of camaraderie as an act of goodwill. I had come to terms of what I could accept and what I needed. I needed a place where I felt welcome. I wanted a place of acceptance and comfort. They had proven to me on more than one occasion that to trust would be foolish so I would keep that in the back of my mind at all times. Be careful, don’t share too much and always know it can and will be used against me when time benefits. The betrayal that I have come to know so well has reared its ugly head once again. The hurt from this cut is deeper and more penetrable. Why? Because I knew better? Because I had let my guard down? Because I had become numb? Because I didn’t want it to be true? Why do I put myself in this position time and time again? I certainly don’t like the feeling. I certainly have learned my lessons, haven’t I? Why must I endure this again? I must learn the lesson. I must uncover the depths of the truth that is the lesson FOR me. I start the tireless work. I start to drill down and examine the realities of my situation. These situations should be handled with grace and well-chosen words. Because I did neither one of these things, I first have to forgive myself for my explosive tyrant. Although it felt right and good at the time, I know it wasn’t the best way to handle the situation and honestly it was not the actual “thing” that pissed me off. It was years of “acting” like I was happy, acting like I was one of them. Being a chameleon has its drawbacks. As has been proven to me before, I can only blend in and maintain a certain neutrality before I have to show my true colors, my true self. As my words exploded, I could feel the old skin shed allowing the new me, the authentic me to come forward, to stand in my truth. The person I yelled at was just a convenient obstacle for me. The actual person teaching the lesson would be the betrayer, the sinister manipulator who quietly stole what she needed from me. With blind consent, she had masterfully fed off my energy, my good nature and generosity. Thank you for reminding me that I need to trust my own healthy boundaries. This lesson proves to be deep. At its core, it is simple. They are all actually very simple. We choose to make them difficult, more difficult than they need to be. I will take the long way around prodding and poking until the answer hits and it’s a biggy for me. I am exhausted with the unraveling but it is important for me to recognize the difference between defensiveness and healthy boundaries. This has proven to be a life reminder for me. Because of past betrayals, I have a tendency to not share too much. To hold back and not be authentically Micki. The truth is I need to let go of the fear of judgement. It’s much easier to hold up the protective walls and hide. It takes a great amount of courage to expose my true identity and acknowledge my light and shine it as brightly and as authentically as I can.
At this point, you are probably a bit confused. I was too. I began to attach all of the dream’s meanings to an outside event. We all do this. We point fingers of blame at the events happening outside of us. Who was I fighting with? Who are these two women in my life? There was an actual event that I can now view as a cleverly disguised lesson that upset me enough to invite some self-exploration. Because I had suffered betrayal and been so careful to protect my fragile heart, I had developed a fear of judgment. Not a fear of what others judge about me but rather my own internal judgement. In order to solve the struggle, I needed to quit pointing fingers outside and start pointing towards the inside. Do the internal work and the external will follow suit. Internal peace attracts external peace.
Both tarantulas are ME. A sinister representation of the internal battles that limit my true identity. One tarantula represents the REAL authentic me that welcomes self-awareness and wants to fully express my dreams and desires. The one that understands people on a deeper level. The one that has a plan and a dream. The other tarantula represents the safe desire to fit in, the need to belong me that wants to hold back and protect my heart, so much so that it may interfere with achieving my dream. It allows the anxiety that accompanies an unknown future.
Does this sound familiar? Perhaps there are some webs in your life that you need to walk through. Is the battle over but you are still fighting? In a nutshell, that is what this dream meant for me. How long am I going to keep fighting this internal battle? The fight between head and heart. My cheerleaders are rooting for my heart! I have to remember how great it feels when my heart wins. I have to remember how it feels to be in gratitude for all of it. I am grateful for the beautiful simplicity.
Dream a Little Dream-Pay Attention to the Messages Within
Feel free to share a dream that needs interpretation. I would love to hear from you. Message me here or privately on FB or at mickiabelsmsc@gmail.com
DDBR
Micki xo
Here are a couple sites to visit that may help you analyze your dreams